Archive for April, 2008

Take Two Aleves and Call Me in the Morning

I think I have a bruised lung. Does anyone know what a bruised lung feels like? I don’t, but it’s fun to think I’m suffering from such an exotic ailment. I’m not sure why my left latissimus dorsi is hurting like hell but it is. It started hurting in the early afternoon while I was at work. I’ve tried stretching it out. No dice. I’ve tried applying pressure to it, but the pain just comes back once the pressure is removed. It might be what my mother used to call “pilay hangin,” which roughly translates to “broken bone wind.” WTF is a broken bone wind? Glad you asked. It’s what Filipinos like to call a dull ache or pain whose source can’t be easily detected and, therefore, cannot be easily remedied either. In other words, it’s something a hypochondriac might complain about. I just took a couple of Aleve tablets. I’m hoping it’ll help to remove the pain. I don’t even want to think about dealing with this pain again tomorrow. Sigh… And just when I started to feel good about dancing again…

I Remember Watching This Show

Priest Gets a DUII

A priest was driving home after attending a house party. A bottle of wine was donated to him by the party’s host, to be used in the eucharistic sacrament. The priest was pulled over by a cop, who smelled alcohol on the priest.

“Have you been drinking, Father?” the cop asked.

The priest responded, “I’ve just been drinking water, my son.”

The cop pulled out from the backseat the bottle of wine the priest had stashed there. “And is this the bottle you were drinking water out of?”

“Oh dear,” the priest lamented. “Looks like He’s been at it again.”

Get it? Get it? The priest pretended like G-d turned the water into wine! Ahahahahaha!

Man, I hate it when I have to explain a joke…

The Tax Poem

I got this from a friend of mine. Just spreading the word. ūüôā

The  Tax Poem

 

Tax his land,

Tax his bed, 

Tax the table

At which he’s fed.

 

Tax his tractor,

Tax  his mule,

Teach him taxes

Are the rule.

 

Tax his work, 

Tax his pay,

He works for peanuts

Anyway!

 

Tax  his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat. 

 

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirt,

Tax his work,

Tax his  dirt.

 

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he 

Tries to think.

 

Tax his cigars,

Tax his beers,

If he  cries

Tax his tears.

 

Tax his car,

Tax his gas,

Find other ways

To tax his ass.

 

Tax all he has

Then let him know 

That you won’t be done

Till he has no dough.

 

When he  screams and hollers,

Then tax him some  more,

Tax him till

He’s good and sore.

 

Then tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in

Which he’s laid.¬†

 

Put these words

Upon his tomb,

“Taxes drove me to my¬† doom…”

 

When he’s gone,

Do not relax,

Its time to apply 

The inheritance tax.

 

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building  Permit Tax

CDL license Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Excise Taxes

Federal Income Tax

Federal  Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax 

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax (44.75 cents per gallon)

Receipts Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax 

IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax 

Luxury Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Personal  Property Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service Charge Tax

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax

Sales Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax  (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal  Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and  Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone  Usage Charge Tax

Utility Taxes

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax  

Workers Compensation Tax

 

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

 

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was  the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national  debt, had the largest middleclass in the world, and Mom stayed home to  raise the kids.

What in the hell happened?

Can you spell¬† “politicians?”

And I still have to “press 1” for English!?!?!?!?

I hope this goes around THE USA at  least 100 times!!!!! YOU can help it get there!!!!

¬†ūüôā

 

The Only Gasoline with Techron!

As I drove this morning, I passed a Chevron gas station on Burnside that boasted a gallon price of $3.89 for their unleaded gasoline, and I laughed to myself. I can remember less than two years ago when I complained about the per gallon price hitting the two-dollar mark and how I thought that was such a travesty and how I blamed the war in Iraq for the constantly increasing price of oil and how I thought we had a stupid President. Not much has changed since then. Except, of course, the price of gas.

Several days ago, we took a fun quiz at work on “green living,” and several of the questions centered on how we get around– driving vs. biking vs. using public transportation vs. carpooling. We were told that less cars on the road would not only help decrease our carbon footprint, it would also help curb our nation’s dependency on foreign oil. Apparently, when people don’t gas up as much, it could help to drive the cost of gasoline down as gasoline providers fight for whatever demand is left.

Yeah, right. Like that would happen anytime soon. Sorry to be pessimistic about it, but I just don’t see America’s passion for driving disappearing. We’re a country of convenience more than anything. Even when the gas price finally hits the six-dollar mark, we will still be complaining about it while driving our SUVs. Nothing will change. Politicians have also recently wrestled with the idea of raising our driving age to 17, keeping a slew of sixteen-year-olds off the road and, therefore, decreasing gas consumption, by one year. But isn’t that only delaying the inevitability?

However, on the off-chance that America does respond to the oil crisis in a positive way, say, by walking more versus driving– especially, distances under a couple of miles– it could only be good. It works for your average European. In Europe, people walk instead of driving, due in big part to the per gallon price soaring above the seven-dollar mark (thanks to higher gas taxes). Plus, they eat less fast food (Drive-through? What drive-through?). On my days off, I rarely use my car, and almost exclusively walk to places. Of course, it helps that I live near a vibrant urban neighborhood that allows me to be within walking distance of the necessities– coffee shops, bookstores, restaurants, pubs, stores.

I realize not everyone has this option. Another thing we have going for us here in the land of plenty is wide open spaces. Not everything can be within walking distance. Therein lies the irony.

A Spot Full of Flavour

waffle_sandwichOh, no. I’m in trouble. I recently discovered the Flavour Spot, located in the parking lot of the Videorama on North Lombard. A friend and I went there a few days ago to sample their wares and I think I’m in love. I had their HTB, a freshly-made waffle with sliced smoked turkey, crispy bacon, and a healthy serving of havarti cheese sandwiched within. It was heavenly! The Guy Behind the Waffle Iron couldn’t have been friendlier if he was a Disney character. We went at around ten in the morning on a Wednesday and the food stand was surprisingly abuzz. Still, it took less than five minutes for us to get our delectable waffle sandwiches. S. opted for the healthier Sweet Cream & Jam while I went straight for the artery clogging, savory option. Ah, a heart attack never tasted so good!

Photo © 2008, JonSquared Productions. All rights reserved.

It’s Scary and Hypnotic At The Same Time…